As I start my story, I have to tell you that putting this down on paper is scary but to share these secrets with unsuspecting eyes is even harder. However, I pray that through my stories you will see my healing from the abuse that my father and others inflicted on me. I understand how people can think that God allows bad things to happen, but this simply is not true. God gives us choices, and this was my father's choice.

From a very young age, I have had a lot of deep-seated wounds around intimacy and my father is at the helm of it all. Around the age of 8 years old I remember him telling me, “Susan, the only thing you are good for in life is sex.” I stood there looking at him confused, hurt and ashamed. My mind couldn’t process why he had said this to me, but I can tell you that maximum damage had been done. Whatever his intentions were he surely accomplished them that day. 

There are different types of abuse: they are physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual and financial. Unfortunately, my father graced us with all of them. Day to day living in his presence was disheartening, demoralizing, and bewildering and I never knew what would send him flying into an explosive rampage. It could have been something as simple as walking in front of the television in order to get to the next room, scrapping my spoon on the bottom of my bowl, or simply just being in the same room with him while reading a book. He chose quite frequently not to utilize any self-control but instead took all of his frustration and anger out on the closest person in the room. We learned quickly to stay as far away from him as possible at all times. If we were forced to be around him for whatever reason, you would not hear the enjoyable sounds of laughter and chattering that you would normally expect to hear from the average child. In public, people mistook us for well-behaved children in the place of being paralyzed with fear.

As I share my memories and stories with you, I want you to know that I do not tell you about these things in order to gain your sympathy; God has and continues to heal me. There is no good in wallowing in self-pity and as a matter of fact it can do more harm than good. However, it’s perfectly fine to empathize with others who are struggling in order to give them the support they need but be careful not to get pulled into the point of losing yourself as well.

The sexual abuse started at a very young age, so young in fact the memories of the abuse go back as far as I can remember. One memory in particular sticks out the most and this is why I have had insomnia most of my life. Before kindergarten, my mom would put me down for naps as I’m sure your mother did as well. One day my father called me into his bedroom to put me down for a nap and this was odd because he had never done this before so I was a little reluctant as you might imagine. Unfortunately, I had little choice in resisting whatever command he gave, and I remember laying down on the bed and watching him pulling out a pocket watch that was on a long silver chain. He started swinging it back and forth as he told me to keep an eye on it. He said to me, “You are getting sleepy” over and over again. At the time I remember thinking to myself “this is weird” but once again I dare not question this 6ft burly man’s motive as he towered over me. This went on for a few minutes and I was not getting tired. I saw his frustration start to mound so I decided to play along in order to alleviate my discomfort and fear of this confusing situation. As I pretended to sleep, I held still for as long as I could even holding my breath. Not only did my body go into shock when he touched me, but my mind went into a state of fugue. I was incapacitated and in distress and there was no one around to help me in this perilous situation. He molested me that afternoon while I pretend to sleep. I don't remember much of the actual molestation as my counselor said this is normal. After a traumatic situation your brain will shut off access to certain memories that are too painful for you to remember. But for children they simply don't have the capacity of processing something this traumatic especially when it is a trusted caretaker who is the abuser. Children are naturally inclined to trust their parents and when the parent is the abuser it not only messes up the trust process for that parent, it creates trusts issues across the board to everyone that child will ever know over their life span. Then it leaks out into other issues like boundary issues, relationship issues, mental and emotional issues and much more. Abused children fall prey to other predators easier because they aren't taught the skills to identify and deal with this type of behavior. Shame is a driving factor in order to get the child to stay quiet and to except this type of behavior and this shame does not even have to be spoken in words. It's a universal language that's implied onto the child through the actions and body language of the other person. And unfortunately, children who are abused either become an abuser themselves or stay a victim as an adult. This is why there are so many dysfunctional adults not to mention these same adults get into dysfunctional relationships and then the cycle continues.